It was a sunny Saturday morning in suburbia. Birds were chirping, my coffee was hot, and I was finally about to enjoy a relaxing weekend when BAM! I opened my front door to find my house looked like it had lost a paintball war. My white siding? Splattered in black, red, and yellow paint. My shutters? Covered. My window? Oh, it looked like Jackson Pollock had a personal vendetta.

The culprit? My next-door neighbor, Craig. Yeah, that Craig—the guy who still mows his lawn in sandals and thinks HOA rules are “just suggestions.”

So how did we get here?

The $2,000 Disagreement

A few weeks earlier, Craig knocked on my door and said he was starting a “side hustle” as a professional painter. He had a flyer, a half-empty bucket of Behr, and what I can only describe as a very aggressive energy drink buzz.

He said, “Hey buddy, I noticed your shutters could use a refresh. I’ll do the whole house for $2,000—neighbor discount included.”

Now, I’m not made of money, and honestly, I wasn’t convinced Craig could paint a coloring book, let alone my house. So I politely declined.

Big mistake.

Paintpocalypse

Fast forward to this morning, and Craig apparently decided to take rejection very, very personally. According to my Ring camera (shoutout to modern tech), he came over at 5:42 a.m. in painter’s overalls, carrying three gallons of “statement colors.” Over the course of 20 minutes, he threw paint all over the side of my house like he was auditioning for a low-budget art documentary.

The irony? The $2,000 job he offered would’ve been cheaper than the cleanup.

Damage Control

According to HomeAdvisor, professional paint removal and siding restoration can cost anywhere from $1,200 to $3,000, depending on the extent of the damage and the type of siding. My windows are wood-framed and original to the 1940s—irreplaceable, and now, thanks to Craig, covered in dried acrylic like a toddler’s art project.

The worst part? He didn’t even spell out a message or draw anything cool. Just pure chaotic splatter. Zero creativity. I could’ve at least sold photos of it as modern art.

The Aftermath

I filed a police report (yes, that’s vandalism), and now Craig is facing criminal mischief charges. I’m not even mad anymore—I’m just baffled. What adult thinks it’s acceptable to attack someone’s home with paint over a declined business offer?

I talked to my insurance agent, and thankfully, homeowner’s insurance does cover vandalism, but it might increase my premiums. As if living next to the world’s angriest painter wasn’t enough.

Lessons Learned

Never trust a neighbor who offers unsolicited “discounts.”

Always have a security camera—you never know when you’ll catch performance art in progress.

Apparently, paint has a way of revealing people’s true colors. Literally.

The Moral?

Sometimes, the price of saying “no” isn’t emotional—it’s 3 gallons of latex paint and a call to a professional cleaner.

And Craig? He’s banned from the next block party.